Guilt Is Not a Motivator
About twenty days ago, I filled one of my fitness logs completely. I filled in the final page as I came home from the gym and was able to flip back through the completed book, looking over workouts and notes on my fitness that spanned across a couple of years. It was a wonderful feeling, especially because I was feeling more in shape than I perhaps ever had before in my life. I had a lot to be proud of, and looking back at my progress inspired me to work harder.
However, it was vacation time! I left my new workout log at home as I hopped into the car to get to Miami and board a cruise ship, where I ate way too much unhealthy food, drank way too much alcohol, and barely made it to the gym twice on the ship. By the time I got home, I was afraid to step on the scale. I knew I’d put on some weight, and I didn’t want to face it.
I felt guilty for all that I’d done on the cruise. I shouldn’t have had so many sugary drinks. I should have eaten more salads, or at least fewer carbs. I should have worked out more, even though I wanted to spend my time exploring ports and the beautiful ship. As I’ve sat down for meals the past few nights at home, I’ve gotten leaner portions and kept myself from nibbling on anything unhealthy.
Last night, as I was crawling into bed, I told Eric that I was still hungry but that “it’s too late to eat now.” He nodded in agreement and told me that it was okay- that we both had pounds from the cruise we needed to shed anyways. This made me feel even worse! Not because he thought I needed to lose weight (which, for the record, is not at all what he was saying), but because he too was feeling guilty about how we ate and drank on our vacation and was forcing himself to work harder, eat leaner, and get back to neutral.
I missed looking back at my completed fitness log. I felt so proud of myself when I’d finished that log, I’d worked so hard! Couldn’t I just get back to that feeling again?
I’m not the only person who’s been feeling guilty lately, either. I had a conversation with a friend this morning and, though I won’t mention her name (out of love and respect), let’s call her Emma for fun’s sake.
Emma has been dating a guy on and off for a year. She lives in Boston and has a busy job, and this guy (we’ll call him Rob) has been one of her only friends and social outlets for a while. Well, Rob wants to make things really serious with Emma- but Emma is just not into it. She wants to focus on her career and personal development, not necessarily romance or family building. She confessed to me that she really thought of Rob more as a friend than a boyfriend, and that she didn’t know if she could ever think of him in that way.
But a part of her wants to try, because Rob is such a good friend and obviously cares about her so much. Over the phone, I could sense just how conflicted she was- she wanted to maintain the friendship, but she didn’t want to hurt Rob. She felt guilty for not feeling the kind of love he felt, and she told me, “what if I give this a chance? Who knows, I could fall in love with him and maybe it would work out?” But I could sense the hesitation in her voice- even she didn’t believe the words as she said them.
Emma is not the first person to try to sustain a friendship by forcing feelings. I think we’ve all tried it at some point. It almost always fails, and ends in guys complain about being “friend-zoned” or women complaining that their emotions have been abused. Honestly, neither party is wrong- but that also doesn’t make it wrong to tell someone your honest feelings. Just as you shouldn’t feel guilty about eating unhealthy food once in a blue moon, you shouldn’t feel guilty about not requiting someone else’s feelings.
It hit me this morning, as I was reading aloud our daily decision for success, that we were thinking about this all wrong! Andy Andrews lays out his decision to succeed in his book The Traveler’s Gift, “my thoughts will be constructive, never destructive. My mind will live in the solutions of the future. It will not dwell in the problems of the past.” Emma, Eric, and I were focusing our thoughts on the past while trying to work towards a better future- and that simply won’t do! By dwelling on our guilt and frustrations for how we enjoyed our vacation, Eric and I were just ruining a good time. Getting back to our previous level of fitness is just a challenge to face, one I know we both can quickly accomplish because we have done it before! And by trying to ease someone else’s emotional pain by clinging to a relationship whose ship has already sailed, Emma was only preparing herself for a future filled with more guilt and stress.
What I’m trying to communicate is that guilt is not a motivator. Guilt is a weight that is chained to your ankles, keeping you from achieving your full potential and succeeding in your life goals, whether those are health goals or relationship goals or what have you. Unburden yourself of guilt; look forward, not back, to find the solutions to your problems.
Emma told me that she knew she had to be honest with Rob because she knew that is what all parties needed. I told Eric that I’m setting new fitness goals in my new journal that I can sprint towards (figuratively and literally). Both of us are choosing to live without guilt and without stress. I encourage you to examine what you do out of guilt and to eliminate that guilt, replacing it with something much more invigorating and enlivening.