Name Your Ten: Accidental Coaches
After reviewing John Maxwell's 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, I told you that Eric and I had moved on to our next John Maxwell book in our journey of enlightenment and personal development. Well I wasn't fibbing! We've already dug into his book Intentional Living: Choosing a Life That Matters. As you can imagine, the book is all about identifying moments of intentional and unintentional teaching and living in our past so that we can move into intentional actions in our future; living with a strong sense of intent leads to purpose, fulfillment, and value.
Anyways, I wanted to talk about a specific task that John has given us. At one point in his career, he made a list of EVERYONE that ever taught him, whether intentionally or unintentionally. That means that he included teachers and sports coaches, but also neighbors and friends. He then encourages readers to do the same, or at least a version of the same: he suggests we outline at least 10 accidental teachers and coaches we've valued in our lives.
I think that this exercise is important not only to identify to ourselves who we have valued most, but to point those people out for recognition. Positive reinforcement like recognition encourages people to continue being mentors and coaches, and we certainly need more people like these in the world!
So I'd like to share my list with you: ten of the accidental coaches I've had in my lifetime (mind you, this is only ten- not all of them by a long shot!).
1. The Last Ex: Love is Not Enough. I wanted to start with this one because he's the one person I don't want to name, out of respect. I won't dig into too many details, but I will share that I cared for him and loved him very much, and I'm certain the feeling was mutual. However, I wanted a family, a professional life, a life filled with intent and purpose and happiness- meanwhile, he wanted none of these things and admitted to being happy with "coasting through life." At the time, I was heart broken- but looking back, it taught me one of the biggest lessons in love I could ever learn. You can love someone, but if your goals do not align and you don't want to share a life together then you won't find shared happiness with that person and that love is just a toxin you're allowing to spread in your life. So I thank this person for that lesson.
2. Molly Winstead: All You Have to Do is Ask. Going into my senior year of college, I felt lonely. The one close friend that I had graduated the year before and I didn't have many close friends left- but I knew who I wanted to befriend. A group of people in my class had worked very hard to become known as trustworthy, capable, and professional young artists, and I wanted to be amongst their ranks. So what did I do? I asked to hang out with them. And Molly immediately said yes and welcomed me into the folds of their group. I wound up getting close with the entire group, and we still have a 9-person group text that we keep up with to this day. I thank Molly (and the other 7 of them) for that.
3. Jane Gutsell: Your Obsessions Matter. This one is a bit tricky because Dr. Jane Gutsell was my AP Literature teacher in high school, and she taught me a lot about my passion for reading- but the lessons I enjoyed more were closer to her heart. In class, we'd read a book and then occasionally watch an episode of her favorite TV show, Northern Exposure, which would somehow tie back to the books we read. At first, I didn't get it- I thought she just wanted to watch her favorite show in the middle of the day. But the connections were real, and it made me find significance in all of my obsessions (mainly, my favorite show at the time- Lost). I thank Jane for helping me see the significance in my obsessions.
4. Arun Gael: When You Need to Fall, Someone Will Catch You. What's funny is that Arun probably doesn't even remember me, but I may remember him the rest of my life. I tried to study abroad my sophomore year of college, and the stars were aligned against me. Delays caused me to miss a flight, I ran out of money on my way to the school, I had no food, and my chip-less credit card didn't work. I didn't eat for two days straight, until a study abroad orientation when Arun was assigned to guide us and answer our questions. He not only made sure I was fed, but got me a drink because BOY did I need one. He ensured I had a good night and, at the end of it all, he made sure I got home safely and alone. It was a situation that, looking back, any "bad guy" could have taken advantage of. But Arun taught me that when I truly needed help, someone would be there to get it to me, and I thank him for that.
5. Smokey: Fall in Love, Over and Over Again. Yes, I included my dog on this list. You don't like it, bite me. Smokey was my first dog and I loved him like crazy. When he died in 2012, my heart was shattered into millions of pieces. I held him as he was euthanized and I literally screamed when I felt life leave his body, I was so bereft. We took his body home and my brother's dog, Moo Moo, smelled the box and knew Smokey was in it- and that he was gone. For the next week, we were both inconsolable. Afterwards, Moo Moo (who had always hated me before) came to love me- and I, her. I took her in and we've been inseparable ever since. I thank Smokey for making me learn that it's okay to love, lose, and love again. I thank him everyday for that.
6. Seth Flagg: Have Faith In Yourself. My freshman year of college, I struggled to find friends- I struggled hard. Eventually, I met this guy named Seth in a theatre class that I took for general education. He encouraged me to audition for a play because I seemed smart. When I got in, he then encouraged me to audition for an improv troupe because I seemed funny. Then he encouraged me to apply to the theatre honors society because I seemed fun. Every time he encouraged me, I found that, "wow, I really can do this!" He had more faith in me than I had in myself, and he was a stranger! He made me believe in myself and my limitless potential. I thank him for that.
7. Gary Smith: Do or Do Not. There is No Try. Yes, Yoda told me this- but Gary taught me this. Gary runs a theatre in Blowing Rock, North Carolina, and he was one of the most hard-ass guys I've ever worked with. He was really hard on me when I acted for him, sometimes to the point that I wanted to bail on the job. But I never did. He taught me that I can TRY to do something all day but, until I just do it and give it my all, I won't be good enough- not for the job, and not for myself. I thank this hard-ass for that.
8. Whitney Ferrell: You Can Always See the Bright Side. I went to school with Whitney in fifth grade. She was the cool kid and I DESPERATELY wanted to be her friend. That was the same year that Whitney was diagnosed with cancer. At my young age, I didn't know why she was always smiling- if she was really sick, why was she happy? Whitney persevered through her diagnosis as optimistically as possible, until the dire end. She inspires me to always look on the bright side-because there is always a bright side. May she rest in peace and know that I am grateful for this lesson.
9. Laurel Ullman: I Don't Know Suffering. This is a very important lesson to me, one that I remind myself of daily. I worked with Laurel and Patty Adkins when I was in college on a play called "15 Feet." It was a cluster-bomb of controversy: a lesbian couple, abortion, religion, terrorism- it was my favorite type of play and I was overjoyed to be cast as one of the leads. I'd cut my hair into a pixie cut just before starting rehearsals and, as I started playing the part of a homosexual woman, I had hateful things said to me constantly. People I called friends called me a "dike." Guy friends made crude and offensive jokes about acts I did with other women. Mind you, I am not homosexual or even bisexual- I never did anything with anyone. But just hearing all this hatred lit a fire in my belly and I wanted to lash out at the world for lashing out at me. It made me realize that I had never been victimized by hatred or hateful prejudice; while I've been subjected to sexism, rarely has anyone acted maliciously towards me on the basis of my genetic makeup. As I grew my hair back out and started dating again to prove a point, I felt hurt and realized I didn't know suffering like so many people that surround me do- and I thank Laurel, Patty, and the late Fly by Night Theatre for that valuable lesson.
10. Eric Bille: Experiences Matter- Things Don't. It might be cheating to include Eric on the list, but I can't help it. He's taught me much more than this and deserves a good shout out. Eric is very minimalist: most of his belongings fit in his car, and he tries to keep it that way. I, on the other hand, have spent years collecting books, movies, memorabilia, and junk that I don't even really want. Eric and I have put that money into trips and vacations, and it's meant the world to me. No, we don't have a Keurig of our own- but we've explored the Bahamas together. We don't have a DVD player or a movie collection- but we've made friends from all over the world and heard stories we still share with our other friends. He has helped to truly show me that stuff means nothing in the end; my memories and experiences are my greatest treasures. And I thank him for so so so much in my life.
I encourage everyone I have included in this list that is able (as well as all of you) to make a list of your own and really think about what you have learned. Tag them in your post and spread the love for #accidentalcoaches. And remember- you never know when you're being an accidental coach yourself.